Goons Guide to a Groovy Glastonbury time

For Liz and James. 

Glasto Drizzle

Glasto Drizzle

It’s nearly boogie time again, and I have had a couple of requests to create a little guide for Glastonbury virgins.

I have a discount card for Go Outdoors (check me out!) so if anybody wants to use it, hollar at me. 

Things to take 

  1. Your Glasto ticket (idiot)
  2. Your Glasto carpark ticket (not as important as 1. becasue at least you can dump your car in a random field and walk to the fest)
  3. Wellington Boots. Don’t try and be clever and take Crocs; becasue you will a) look like a dick, and b)get muddy feet.
  4. A tent. If you can be arsed, get it out of the attic now and put it up. See if you are missing any parts or have any gaping holes. I will have a variety of flavours of tape for quick and dirty on site repairs.
  5. Sleeping bag. Get a decent one. Ray Mears always says; “Life’s too short for shit sleeping bags”. GO
  6. A pillow. Poundland, £1. One year I used some towels in a carrier bag as a pillow, and woke up with “TESCO” all over my face.
  7. Shorts. I have some wicked ones that are the exact length, so that where my shorts end my wellies begin.
  8. Trousers… hmm. Maybe for on a night. But wearing trousers under waterproofs will make you sweat like a bitch. So take some shorts to wear under your waterproofs, in the highly likely event that it will piss and shit it down.
  9. Waterproof trousers (
  10. Waterproof jacket (as above)
  11. Clothes. Obviously. Unless we’re camping in the Hippy village where they will shoot you down if you wear clothes.
  12. A blanket. You’re in a field douc hebag, you might get nippy on a night. And you can use it to make the inside of your tent a bit more cosy. Primarni £2. (gay)
  13. Wet wipes. Lots of wet wipes. To clean 1 cm^2 of wet mud = 1 wet wipe. Dried on mud = 100 wet wipes.
  14. General cleanlyness things. Clean hanky. Clean undies. Etc.
  15. Hair gloss, lip volumiser, eye enhancer
  16. IGNORE 15. For God’s sake. You’re not Kate Moss, and if you walk around the field looking pristine I will push you in the mud.
  17. String, tape, a pen knife, matches/lighter
  18. A Torch! Nearly forgot! A headtorch is good for hands free operation (around £5 from go outdoors) or handheld torches are good for heads free operation. [for those with no head, or an aversion to moving your head to the area you wish to illuminate]
  19. A cup / drinking vessle.
  20. Plate? Depends how civilised you want to be.


  1. Beer. Cider. Some sort of low alcohol content – high water content semi-booze for casual during the day/breakfast drinking
  2. Gin, Vodka, Whiskey, Rum for turbo-power drinking on an evening (mixers optional)
  3. Empty 2L bottle. (For water storage. Fill it if you want but see point 4.)
  4. Remember, 1L of liquid = 1Kg you have to carry for frankly fucking miles from the car
  5. Any other chemicals you may require
  6. Protection. Be safe kids. If you’re gonna be a lover, remember to put on your cover.
  7. You get special glasto toilet paper there. If there’s brown on one side, turn the sheet over and use the other side. It’s the greenest way, Man.

Community Shizzle 

  1. There is no point in us ALL taking teabags, etc. I have a load of UHT milk (alright for Brews) so I’ll bring that. Someone bring teabags , sugar, coffee?
  2. I have a 2 ring cooker, and I think Rob’s bringing a big kettle. You can use either for a nominal fee of £5 per minute.

Things to make 

  1. A funny hat.

Thinks to bake 

  1. I’ll take care of that unless anyone wants to put in a special order for their own batch? Or we can make them all together on Tuesday?

Think of some fun stuff to take. Waterpistols, frisbee, paints (pristine labcoat needs to be made un-pristine). 

If I’ve missed anything, let me know in the comments. Other than that, I think all that’s left to say is…. 



About velkrosmaak

Opinionated, stubborn and rude. I write amusing things that piss some people off, and will have others cackling in agreement.
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10 Responses to Goons Guide to a Groovy Glastonbury time

  1. Adam says:

    Things to take continued:
    21. Alcoholic hand gel!!! The toilets ain’t very clean and they smell, plus there ain’t much soap about either!
    22. A camera for them all important picys
    23. Insoles for your wellies (4 per wellie) or your feet will hurt alot!
    24. Maybe some painkillers as you will be drinking a years consumption of alcohol in a week

    Community Shizzle continued:
    3. Cream Chargers (AKA NOS) no explanation needed
    4. Balloons for the above

  2. Emma says:

    A few of Lady G’s top tips :0)
    1. DO NOT TAKE DENIM – DOUBLE DENIM = DEFINATE NO NO IN GENERAL, NOT JUST AT GLASTO! If it unexpectedly “pisses and shits it down” to quote Imi, you WILL be very very unhappy!

  3. velkrosmaak says:

    Just remembered; Berocca. It’s like 1000% your RDA of all the vitamins of the alphabet, minerals, etc. Basically, it makes you feel healthy when you’ve been sleeping (basically) rough in a field, boozing and dancing all day.

  4. Jimmy says:

    Cheers guys! I am gunna have to do a Glasto shop this week me thinks! =D

  5. Dan says:

    Also the laws of physics dont apply at festival campsites, meaning that when trying to get to sleep you’ll be able to hear people talking on the other side of the field as if they were sat out side your tent, hence I suggest taking earplugs for sleepy times 🙂

    • velkrosmaak says:

      I can’t say I’ve ever tried to get to sleep at a festival… my body just usually gets to a point and splutters to a halt, like a car with no fuel.

  6. tolley says:

    You forgot toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant etc

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